50,000 Words—Finished

It was an invigorating experience—

The Season of Catalogs

My mailbox is filled with catalogs —-most not requested. The latest one is my, at the moment, favorite because of their eclectic assortment of items I don't need. There's the Fushigi, a magic gravity ball. According to the blurb the ball will appear to float in the air. Imagine a ball defying gravity. I can be the next great conjurer.

Too many creases in your shirt, don't iron. Use a Dryer Ball. Fill it with water and watch it attack wrinkles while it rolls around in the dryer. Throw away your iron. Is this a modern day regression or nostalgia? In Northern Europe they were using stones, glass and wood for smoothing before they had irons. And in the 19th century you had slickers, slickstones, sleekstones, or slickenstones for smoothing linen. If you lived in the Middle Ages Slickstones were standard pieces of laundering equipment, even used up to the 19th century, “long after the introduction of metal irons.” Those people loved the old ways. Perhaps the Dryer Ball will lead me to reading about the history of ironing and of irons. I try not to iron so the Dryer Ball may be a useful item.

And who isn't concerned by the lack of modesty in our society. No fear. You can purchase a” Modesty" panel made of appliquéd lace. Just tie the panel to your lingerie straps and no one will be able to garner a look. The item looks a little like a baby bib worn inside instead of outside.

A few pages after the push to modesty a "Fanny" Bank is listed. It even makes flatulent sounds. Just when you anticipate that this magazine will be squeaky clean.

I've never given anyone a haircut, but I may change my mind because there's now a Hair Cutting Umbrella that promises to catch clippings before they reach the floor. Slip this gizmo over your head, secure it with tabs and adjust for the neck of the wearer.

There's a toe aligner that's machine washable.

I like the Waist Extender—just keep eating and expanding the waist of your pants. Moisten the waistband, insert the waist expander and watch your waist grow.

How about the t-shirt that says Real Men Use Duct Tape? I looked without any success for the shirt that said Real Women Use Duct Tape. I use it all the time and felt a real gender bias. Please don't pander to my modesty and not my creativity with duct tape.

Did you know that you could buy three to five inch Furniture Risers? These sturdy little blocks that you put under the legs of tables, chair, and sofas enable you to stow items beneath the chair. I imagine storing some of my piles of books under raised chairs.

The Neck Air Cushion looks like an inflatable snake coiled around your neck. You pump it up to stretch those tight muscles. I'm beginning to conjure up the plot for a mystery novel. This may be my favorite item.

There will be other catalogs hoping to lure me with their wares. I can't wait, but now I'm working on my mystery plot. Does the victim die because the coils tighten and knot up preventing her from breathing —without anyone present— thus providing an air tight alibi for the perpetrator?

I confess, I may order a thirty-one-inch Dachshund Draft Stopper. He's cute, long and I hope will keep the draft at bay.